Writing is a great distraction technique, and luckily my writers block is gone.
My current thoughts are; ‘I’m full, I’m full I’m full I really do not need half a banana.’
I am trying out a few recommended techniques to try and curb my binges and most importantly prevent purges. Half a banana means nothing to most readers, but that banana could trigger a binge, which means guilt, and no one needs that after a day at work and uni!
Since I last posted, I have taken steps forwards, and backwards, and forwards again.
I follow lots of cake, food and drink pages on Instagram and Facebook. These are enough to start a craving for anyone, but dangerous for me! The only solution has been to unfollow them, so that was my first move! Even though food pics are a fantastic marketing tool on their behalf, ( images receive 53% more likes, 104% more comments and 84% more click-throughs on image based posts than text-based posts according to kissmetrics ) I seriously believe that social media is a trigger for sufferers of eating disorders. This may only be a temporary unfollow as I love to support local businesses, but for now, I’m sorry guys- I can’t cope with your tempting imagery!!
Usually I spend the week dreaming of all the food I will be allowed to eat at the weekend because for some reason it’s not as bad as mid week…. So my second step towards recovery has been to gain insight into why this is.
First of all, by keeping a food diary and being constantly told by Dave, it is obvious am not eating enough. This could explain my constant state of fatigue and sickness. Through research and professional advice I should be eating around at least 1400 to maintain my normal weight. Now, there’s no way on earth I could up my daily calorific intake to that just yet, but I’m working towards it. We realised that I am only retaining around 600kcals a day even on days when I do excessive workouts and really need the extra fuel! This is a massive contributing factor to my binge eating tendencies. My body is starving. No wonder I can’t cope around sugar!! I have even been known to cry & panic (more recently) when faced with being around trigger foods and have been declining social invites more often because of the fear of just having a trigger there and not being able to ‘cope’. This could be because my body is constantly stressed due to the lack of fuel, but this is only speculative.
Last week I started to increase my calories, by eating more calorie dense food. I am finding this hard as can ‘t stand feeling full as it makes me anxious that I have gained weight…I know I haven’t but it is still a new feeling to get used to. I will do it though.
The second tactic is cutting down on alcohol intake. Through my food diary it is obvious that even half a glass is a trigger. I love socialising and sipping a cold pink wine on a Friday, but at the moment I am terrified to drink in case I have a binge eating episode. So it’s all in moderation for now unless I am nowhere near food and wouldn’t have the chance to binge. Any exceptions are when I know I am going to be around safe and trusted friends and family who help me to control what I am doing a bit more and make me aware of the consequences and how I might feel if I am maybe on the verge of a binge.
So, that was the plan, and, I was so proud of myself, because for the first time in ages and ages I managed to have a treat and NOT BINGE. I had a piece of cake on the Saturday with a trusted friend and on the Sunday a (big) ice-cream with Dave. Then carried on as usual (or not) knowing it was part of my daily calorific intake. I felt so chuffed. This was week one.
Week 2 saw me at a friend’s birthday. I love party food when I’m drunk, when I’m sober it is less tempting as I know how much crap is in it. But one bottle of pink zinfandel and 5 rums later and the buffet table was calling, as usual, it all went Pete Tong.
The next day instead of being really depressed, I hopped on the treadmill and achieved my first 10km in under an hour. Some might say this is purging, and yes I will admit, in my head I was telling myself how many calories I needed to burn to feel better. Still it was an achievement so let’s take that positive!
I am learning to listen to my body slowly and determine when I am actually hungry or if it’s a craving. Midweek I get no binge urges. Hopefully my long term goal to ‘Eat and be happy’ will mean I don’t see weekends as the only chance to eat. I will be happy in my body and not criticise myself so much.
One day at a time