- My first worry; How will I stay looking like this and not gain weight?
- My second; what if i lose control and how will i cope wih this?
The first worry has been niggling at me for a while, ever since i made my amazing christmas cake…(which i have devoured -hence my worries).
Like most people, I crave comfort food over the winter, but because this isnt a norm in my daily diet, the control and moderation mechanism doesnt seem to kick in like most people’s and I literally cant stop eating it. As predicted this is what has happened with the christmas cake, mainly after a few proseccos too many with my irresponsible friends hehe! I can feel a little bit of fear creeping in this week before christmas, in which I have had 1 binge. I have also noticed something significant though; My binges have decreased in time and calories. For some reason my control seems to have developed (a tiny bit) over the past few weeks, and before i feel totally totally shit i have stopped. I havn’t even felt a massive desire to over exercise the next day and my internal voice has been saying, ‘its ok, just crack on no problem here!’ and you know what, this is amazing . I actually feel like I am getting somewhere.
Now don’t get me wrong, my friends,Mum, Dave and Sister will all tell you about the amount of texts they receieve during and after a binge about; how do I cope? why can’t I just be normal?Do I look fatter? Have I ruined everything?
Here’s one i sent to one of my best friends;
They know the best answers…usually along the lines of ‘you look awesome, you work out tonnes and you havn’t even eaten that much blablabla‘ But i NEED that support to get me to the other side. If you suffer with this you know what I am talking about. Its a massive guilt trip and it usually takes about a day to get through it, and thats right, the only way is ‘through’ you have to face the anxiety it can only get better!
For example; Yesterday I had nothing on, on the evening . I wanted to chill and drink mulled wine and watch sky+ catchup! I had already worked out so didnt want to go to the gym again and I had a scrummy tea. I had been craving mince pies for about a week and we had none in ( I’m making gluten free ones next week- don’t tell Dave). Instead I will relay to you what i consumed in an hour, instead of going to the shop and buying one mince pie I devoured; 4 mini macaroons, 2 chocolate fingers, 5 ferrero Roches, half a rich tea biscuit and 1 slice of christmas cake and brandy sauce. This is small for my kind of binge but I have probably missed a few things out. After the binge Dave receieved an onslaught of ‘helllpp meeee’ texts so did my best mate, mother and Cat. But because I texted them ( before I wouldnt have), their responses picked me up and i felt like’ you know what,I dont feel as bad as usual’. Today I just feel normal, I look the same, and its like a milestone in my recovery, and I wouldnt have done it (cliche, sorry) without a support network.
The next challenge I need to tackle is the next few sociable days/weeks. I’m getting my annual amazing Gingerbread house from Malton tomorrow and I have planned my workout on the evening so i HAVE to be out of the house, not surrounded by food and ginger bread houses. Then Dave’s home, which I cant wait for, but our lives revolve around food, so I am going to have to put mental safety nets in place to help me through the festive period. God im exhausted thinking about it! Seriously my brain has a daily calender which looks like this:
Thursday- Ginger bread arrives, cant eat as will get fat , but whats the point of buying it? when can i eat it? arrr?!Best go to the gym instead!
Friday- Dave’s here, gym morning, work (safe there, no food), night drinks= high risk of binge but Dave is here and he says STOP-should survive!
Saturday- KBs, then out all day having girl/beauty time, wine and nibbles on the night, but best friend helps with control strategies so should be ok! ( may have small melt down before bed time about food eaten though..)
Sunday- Gym and hopefully stress free day but Ginger bread house is calling…eat meeee…..( most probably be drinking proseccos on the evening which is dangerous=binge)
Monday – Gym & socialising all day, around lots of food… Need to be strict and not give in to peer pressure!
Tuesday xmas eve- Going to the gym to create calorie deficit for christmas dinner & drink later.
Wednesday xmas day- Going wild, considering a run but probably wont. DAY OFF FROM MY FOOD THOUGHTS YAYY
Thursday Boxing day- RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN NO CARBS ARRRR HELLPP!
So there you have it, a sneak preivew into the weird mind of me! But like I said, I think as soon as I am working full time again it will be put to the side, I might include it on my CV… ‘You are helping a good cause… please give me a job’ haha!
This is slowly getting better but I have a long way to go, so if you’re reading this, and can relate, please drop me a line because i really appreciate it and feel that I need some help with coping strategies more than anything!
Back down to 9st1…but only because I’ve been weighing myself every day and not eating much…!
( That’s gone a bit AWOL recently, but 1 day a week will be implemented after christmas… I promise!!!)
On the plus side of everything, Dave’s nearly home, and he is the only person who really makes me think its all fine. ( sick buckets at the ready) and also tells me that if i just drink lots of prosecco, it will all be ok! a man of wise words!
Hope you all have a fun christmas, and eat loads and feel great about it because that is what i am going to also ( attempt) to do yippee!
ps back on the carb back loading come jan paleo/fitness lovers hehe!