Welcome to my new blog!
I have decided to write this away from our food business (ironically) , mostly to get a few things off my chest about eating & fitness issues out there into the huge world of the internet, but also to help others who also have to deal with some of the little niggles driving you slowly insane – you’re not alone! I will cover this all in this blog.
Now bear with me as i haven’t had to write anything personal or reflective since A level English so there may be a few grammatical errors here and there….!
So people who know me (& some of my Facebook followers) will have already realised I have an abnormal obsession with losing weight, eating clean and not eating cake.
I am sharing this with you because I have had enough. I am sick to death of allowing the scales to dictate my mood, my social life and my relationships. It needs to stop.
Now If you suffer from an eating disorder you will realise that this is easier said than done. The reason I am going to start *trying* to change is because I’ve realised recently that it’s really affecting my life. I plan my social life around what time I eat, so If I want to go for a (non alcoholic) beverage with the girls I will have to plan it so I can have tea first so I am not hungry whilst I’m out, and may be tempted to eat something I’m not ‘allowed’. Yeah you will think its strange , but this is how I think daily.
I set alarms on my phone telling me what I should eat that day (like I’d forget ) and I am a slave to Fitness Pal !
I also can’t eat Gluten, Wheat, Sugar, Alcohol,Dairy and only small amounts of Red Meat(basically a Paleo Lifestyle) This started when I completed an elimination diet to try and lose weight a few years ago…it worked, so that was it, I could no longer eat those food products without becoming ill. We’re still trying to figure out why I get ill with a dietician so when I know why I get Ill from eating ( pretty much everything I eat makes me bloated and uncomfortable) I will let you know!
So I just don’t eat the above anymore- only on special occasions. The problem with this is that I have developed a binge eating disorder which means if I have a ‘treat day ‘ on a special occasion I will go mental and eat everything until I feel sick and as a result I feel absolutely devastated. I am not exaggerating when I say devastated I feel extremely depressed and can’t think of anything else. . I then purge by over exercising and sticking below 1100kcals all of the next week.
Oh and I only eat carbs a few days a week and by carbs I mean 130g of sweet potato.
Now if you’re a fitness freak like me you will think yeah a Paleo style diet is great, working out is great.
But you probably won’t feel the absolute wracking guilt I feel when, say I have alcohol on a normal week day, or have sugar or dairy or white carbs …I literally could not eat cake if it wasn’t a treat day of some kind. And I LOVE CAKE.
Can you understand how awful that is? You’ll say ‘ yeah but it’s your fault your the one not letting yourself eat cake. ‘
BUT it’s not as simple as that. If I were to let myself have cake on a normal day it would absolutely ruin my whole entire week, Dave (the Boyfriend) would not want to be around me, I would sit on google for ages searching about metabolism and calories etc literally obsess over it for the next 2 days until I’ve done enough working out to make me feel better.
It’s not even because I think I’m fat.
I look in the mirror and I think I’m not THE BEST I COULD BE. And this is the problem.
My week consists of :
I HAVE to leave 4 hours pretty much exactly (god knows why) between meals.
For lunch I have something small like homemade hummus and carrots with a bit of tuna.
Then I’ll try and crack on with work…but usually get distracted by looking for new workouts, recipes and researching restaurants I want to visit, but know I CANT because I am not eating ‘bad food’ this month.
Tea is between 6.30-7.30 latest which will be something like this….
Repeat the above
And again and again….oh yeah I have 1 rest day, which is the best day of the week!
It does help that I am a good cook ( i have to be or I would have gone mad by now eating bland food! )
SO this is how September has looked ^^^it’s been BORING and DEPRESSING because I have been trying to lose my holiday weight( that I couldn’t actually see in the mirror , my clothes fitted exactly the same etc but once I weighted myself I was absolutely devastated
And my best friends and family can confirm that, I texted them enough.
The common answer: Don’t weigh yourself, right?
How can I not, what if I put on a pound?!!- this is what I need help changing.
The point to this first post is to show you what I think and how I feel and that if you’re the same then it’s not just you!
I also want to use it as a blog to show that even though I have the cleanest diet you have ever encountered and workout excessively , am physically very strong and very knowledgeable about food and fitness ….I still struggle with this thought process and let it disrupt my life. I should be a personal trainer or nutritionist with the amount of info and knowledge I take on board…. I just wish I could apply it to myself !
Right I think I have enough of the initial stuff off my chest, I hope you will follow me and enjoy reading my mission to break free of the scales and be able to enjoy cake without the aftermath!
This is day one…. Let’s see how it goes!
Oh and for your info ….(before I Instagram it haha) I’m having poached turkey steak with roasted winter veg for tea….No Carbs!( it’s rest day , OBVS)